My childhood memories include mom and dad, Kelly, the cocker spaniel, and chickens and Quail in the backyard. After a nasty divorce during first grade, dad drove me from New England to South Carolina and introduced me to my biological mother. I remember painting a picture for my new mother in her art room and wandered back into the living room, where the adults were drinking, smoking, and reminiscing. After hugging and crying and wanting to know more about this beautiful and loud mama as she wanted me to call her, dad and I drove up to North Carolina where his parents lived.
Dad flew out to California where he had been working the past year and I remained with my Granny and Paw Paw. Though I had a beautiful sunshiny yellow room with a four poster bed, I felt abandonment. From second through fourth grade, this dynamic duo fortified me with their AA and Al-Anon -principles, and loved me to the best of their ability. Grateful for the baton, gymnastics, and dance classes, as well as being a Girl Scout, now, knowing how much they sacrificed for me. I also remember, sobbing in the middle of class, feeling like an orphan with no mom or dad like most of my classmates. Some nights I would drift off to sleep in here, my dad’s voice in the TV and wake up in the morning running down the hall, thinking he’d come back for a surprise visit!
Paw Paw retired and I moved in with my aunt, uncle and three cousins. From a fifth grade until high school graduation, I enjoyed having two “sisters”, a “brother” a golden Retriever , and parental figures. Missing my real parents, blaming myself often, I became a karma chameleon to please my Host family, no matter who they were, or where we were.
Always feeling a bit of an outsider and trying to keep up, my life changed drastically when I turn 15. I was invited to a party at the top of the block and two high schools were represented. I drank whatever they handed me and smoked whatever they passed around. I had found my people! Now I knew I could handle life! Whiskey and beer became my new, best friends overnight! A couple of months after this episode, and stealing liquor from the mini bottles at home, I came home from school, and a professional locksmith was installing a lock on the liquor door. I ignored him, the family ignored me. Nothing was ever discussed, and we all kept pretending to be “normal “.
My second year of college I’d already lost my soul to alcohol. I began sauntering sexily like my friend Annie. I would purr seductively with Marilyn Monroe eyes, knowing with each seductive sashay I might get a drink, drug or dude. I could not bear to feel any real emotion that welled up. At age 20, after a hospitalization for a manic state, I attended my first AA meeting. I made it 30 days without a drink, picked up my chip, looked around the room and bargained with myself that I could handle myself and moderate my consumption. What a destructive egoistic selfish decision!
My Paw Paw passed away in 1993, And I was annihilated and barely remember the funeral. Dealing with reality through alcohol oblivion became my new coping skill. The last year of college I fell in love! We both had the same major had campus dogs and loved drinking rum! Our dream was to live on a sailboat and steady foreign cultures together and experience the world! Well, we lived on a 23 foot Columbia sailboat, and almost in embarked on adventure, then we were three! I remember telling him that I was pregnant, and he said, let me take another shot of tequila, and then came back and hugged me.
For the next 10 years, alcohol became my true love, surpassing, both children and the ex. I remember stealing money from their piggy banks to support my crutch and not feeling remorseful. The downward spiral of destruction was swallowing me. Right before their father kicked me out of the house, I was trying to play PTA president by day and sneaking out and playing pool all night. When I could drink them all under the table and make it home before sunlight, I felt like an unstoppable superwoman, who could live two lives! These two worlds collided and crumbled. When the kids would come visit me, I often ignored them. One of my roommates said, your daughter wants to spend time with you, and I hurried to the porch to sip and smoke. Then, sometimes I’d overcompensated buy tons of junk food and let them invite their friends over so I could drink happily on the porch
I cringe at my core, thinking about how my selfish cravings for alcohol constantly hurt all who were nearby. I remember thinking that I will always put my children first, not like my parents abandoned me. Unfortunately, I fell into the alcoholic abyss and deluded myself with justifying twisted rationalizations. I remember walking the kids to the bus stop and seeing my staggered, drunken footsteps in the sandy gravelly road,laughing to myself thinking how cute I was. I could drink everyone under the table and make it home to play mom! I thought I was the master of two worlds. Now I reflect on how alcohol controlled every footstep for entirely too long. Ego alcoholic, thinking consumed my thoughts and crowded out, motherly, compassion, and sanity.
20 years after my first white chip, I had attempted recovery four times in between, and I finally hit my rock bottom! When Granny called the authorities on me from four hours away, I knew the charade was over. That same day my roommate texted me, what do you want me to put on your tombstone? Finally! I realized I couldn’t play this insane game any longer!
On May 1, 2014, I loaded up my minivan with two months of dirty clothes, dropped my dog off with the kids at their father’s house, and headed towards Help. On my four hour ride, which turned into 13 hours, I hit three ABC stores, aunt Betty’s, as we jokingly called them. by the grace of God, I made it to Granny’s , utterly, defeated, and ready to immerse myself in alcoholics anonymous.
Walking up to the little white miracle house behind the church, I was welcomed with love; I could finally exhale and feel at home with my people. My first sponsor interviewed me three times asking me, are you willing to go to any length this time? I kept responding. Yes, with more passion and determination each day. She gently and motherly (which is exactly what I needed at the time) took me through the first 9 steps and my life improved drastically. Another sister in our home group said, sobriety sure, looks good on you! I was beaming from this compliment for a whole month! To actually be praised for shining spiritually it was a whole new concept in my still soggy brain.
This matronly diva (Glam-ma) moved two hours away. My higher power brought me another high energy, but sterner sponsor, who bolstered me up with unconditional AA, love and strong suggestions. During this phase of my development, I remember sitting in a meeting, with my fingers on the third step prayer dog tack necklace from the step study group. my eyes reading the famous footprints plaque. My eyes grew larger as I recall, reading this on my best friends wall in high school. Back then I sneered in disgust and rolled my eyes and muttered, what a bunch of hypocritical Jesus freaks! This day, with clear eyes and clean hands, I saw the beauty of being carried by God. My own gait was becoming more balanced, and my posture was improving as well. When this firecracker of a sponsor moved six hours away, she nudged me towards another. Each sponsor, following, helped me walk with dignity and purpose, with each more mindful step.
The first word of the first step is we. Together we can climb mountains and lift each other out of ditches. When I well up with tears of gratitude, when I read the promises at a meeting, I give others the permission to grow through what we grow through. I was gifted this treasure by another sober sister, and in turn regift it to others. Alcoholics anonymous restored my soul, reset, my moral compass, and helped me see the world through new clear eyes. In native American beliefs, Eagle source above, and sees only love, which is how I strive to see the world as well. It is becoming easier every day, because I often look up with my hand on my heart and humbly say thank you.
Gratitude exudes from every poor, as I skip barefoot, through the tidal marshes of Ozello dancing with the skittering crabs. As the tide rises, my footprints are lost in the swirling, frothy sediment. I laugh, because I do not have to prove to anyone else my path. Others may never know I’ve tromped through here, but God and I, we know. Our coins say it, and I live it, thanks to this fellowship! To thine own self be true. When Granny gave my Paw-Paw his 10 year medallion to celebrate his continuous sobriety, one side has his date, and the other side has a G over AA. Back then, in 1964 the chips said this, which stands for God over AA, and I’m glad they evolved over time. The founding fledglings intuitively knew how world wide this program was infiltrating, making the unity of all our priority. How we can combine eastern and western thought patterns and trudge This road of happy destiny, perhaps, with Lao Tzu’s words, echoing, walking, each step, kissing mother earth gently.
Thanking all the generations of AA, especially one quote, when life seems severe, grab God’s hands, and persevere! As I continue to grow in an ever expanding love, ripple all things to this divinely inspired program, I give, thanks for my ancestors, knowing how proud of me they are. I can break down my daily practice into the three R’s; Relinquish all to HP, Receive copious blessings and Reciprocate back to all beings. If my heart grows in gratitude anymore, it might explode!
In love, service and appreciation
Dorcas W.